Friday, January 25, 2008

My own Bullshit

Was beating up on myself yesterday out of habit. 2 seperate girls were being very open and friendly with me when I was running an errand at the hardware store. I pretty much blew off the first girl and was a total lame to the second. I suppressed my judgements until I went to bed that night. Started Thinking about how much of a loser I am. About how I have no "personality". About how awkward and uncomfortable I am "in my own skin". About how broke, ugly, and generally uncool I am all around. " I couldn't even pick up a chick if I wanted to". Makes me feel like bullshit for subscribing to the desteni material. Would I buy into this if I had these "things"? If I didnt hate myself and physically express this? Still want power, Power over my Self. More not facing Self. Self seems so far away, like it doesnt even exist. I thought about how I am this way from years of being shit on or ignored by women - if they act any other way I dunno how to act. Im just a programmed robot. Programmed to be all this things I fucking hate, angry at the world for providing the coding, but its me who Allows it! I see so fucking clearly how it works... I want to cry. How do I prove self to self? Should I hack the software? Btu do I just want to implement a new program? I do. I just want to be all these things my mind "likes".

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Im expierencing a headache. Ive been extremely tired lately. Sleep is never enough.Im concerned with money, and pussy, and marijuana. I want these 3 things. I do little to nothing to get them. Thoughout life there have been periods of exerting effort and will to obtain any one of these, but none is being spent now. There is no happiness attached to these. I realise Im no different as self while the mind is intoxicated. Cold Hard Cash - Warm Soft Pussy - Big Dank Nugs. I get excited reading that over.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

intro continued...

Left off around 6-th-7th grade. I had transfered from catholic school to public middle of 5th grade. I spent these few years learning the importance of being "cool" the hard way. At one point going so far as to pay the kids who i thought were "cool" to hang out with me. They were some of the biggest assholes I ever met. Say what you will about the catholic religion - the school I had previously attended wasnt the type ran by nuns with rulers. Only difference from public school in this case being smaller overall class size and wear uniforms. There was far less competition among us for "alpha-ness". It was as any group of kids but just muted so to speak. One didnt necccesarily get along with everyone, but no one hated one another. One memory that come s to mind was of this girl named Vanessa. She was the proverbial "bitch" to me. Just sorta mean for no good reason. But one day - it was "hot-lunch day" where we had each previously paid for a hot lunch to be delivered to our class on a specific day. I had payed for one, and didnt bring a sack lunch accordingly. Somehow my name had been left off the list, and even though there was one hot lunch left in the bin unaccounted for - one of the older students who brought them refused to give it to me. Vanessa had gotten a hot lunch but also brought one from home. She gave me her sack lunch. There was a higher level of decency as people among us.

Except me lol... Its funny how many times I look back over periods of my life where I thought I wasnt as bad as am today or any other given stretch and I see I wasnt any better. I got in trouble plenty of times. I pushed somebody out of the bathroom with the pants down as a joke. I got mad at a girl for not wanting to play with me so I chased and ensnared her with a hula-hoop. I never did my homework. I always hated homework. If Im spending 8 full hours in some place why dont we do this work there and not bring it home. The last fucking thing I want to do while at "home" is "School" work. As you go up in grade and homework becomes more of your grade my grades declined until I was getting F's. By my sophomore year of highschool I had 2 credits to the typical students 16.

It was about this time when I began attending an alternative school after being threatened with expulsion for walking around school with a razor blade in my mouth. I did it mostly because when I tried it out I was suprised how easily it could be done without cutting yourself. I could hide it in my cheeks and still clearly talk to people. Any ways at this new school we only had to attend 4 hours each day. We were given a number of assignments to complete by the end of each week and we were allowed to work at our own pace. I began there as a junior with less credits than a freshman after one quarter and graduated a full semester early. I didnt make a single friend there. I just came and did my work. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed not giving a fuck about any of them. I hardly talked to anyone. The work as stupidly easy. But so is the shit in highschool - they just force you to do 100 times as much of it. As part of my early graduation agreemnt , I was to spend that semester attending college. I looked forward to it. After all It was beaten into my head how much better college was then highschool. I went for about a month or 2 before I dropped every class. Just like highschool - something about seeing all these "cool" kids I can't be friends with and pretty girls I cant date fucked with me. I felt completely alone in 4th/5th grade after I realised what my mother had been doing to me since the divorce 5 years previous...

to be cont...

Monday, January 21, 2008


My earliest memory is from when I was 4 - I kicked my 3 year old cusin down a flight of stairs in front of my whole family. I didnt think he would get hurt. I didnt realise anyone could be hurt. My father made me hurt. Later that year in preschool I bloodied a smaller kids nose and lip. I recall "thinking" we were just playing. My father made me hurt. My mother looked at me as if I was a monster. She still sees me as a monster. I still see myself as a monster. I was programed to be one. After these events I inverted my expressions toward myself. I didnt want to hurt people. I began fearing myself.

I remember the last time i saw my parents together before they started fighting. I was playing super mario 2 with my friends from the neighborhood. They were sitting on the couch watching tv together in the living room. When they began fighting everyday -Id wrap my toys up in wrapping paper and give these presents to them in the middle of the fights. Id thought it make them happy, like it did when I got them. Up until then I slept in the bed with them most nights. I liked snuggling. When I began forcing myself to sleep in my bed, I began having trouble falling asleep. Ive had trouble sleeping ever since.

I judge myself hashly about this- this desire not "to be a big boy". I didn't want to use the toilet at first - fought with my parents about this for awhile. I went through a phase of enjoying to shit in the bathtub. I refused to have training wheels on my bike, but then I was to scared of falling to learn how to ride without them. I didnt learn how to ride until 5th grade when i forced myself to. Everybody did, I was embarrassed I didnt know how. I didnt learn how to tie my shoes until 1st-2nd grade. I remember a girl trying to teach me in preschool. The "bunny ears method". I also remember the other bunny story "over the bridge , under the bridge, around the bush , and i nthe hole". I never understood. One day my uncle joe - who a preatty serious dude - got fed up with me not knowing how and just showed me with no story and I got it.

Am I stupid? Do I have a learning disability? Am I mentally ill? Whats wrong with me? Somethings wrong with me. My great grandfather killed himself. Shot himself. I dont know much about him , other than he played guitar, would preform black-face comedy-minstrel shows with his brother at fairs. He worked for the Texaco plant in lawernceville - Il. He was a Mason and had a masonic funeral ceremony. We're both the only ones in the family who like chocolate pie.

I fairly enjoyed school up until 6th grade. "Social Value" became part of the dynamics of interaction amongst students. I valued evryone equally. My best friend who I made the year before became the focus of the classes bullying. They picked on him relelntlessly. I stood up for him as best I could. People gave me some level of "respect" because i was bigger than everyone else, but then I became a partial outcast as well. I wasnt particularly social anyhow. I was fat and out of shape- and didnt like to ask "if i could play". I remember from years before then, starting somehwer ein 3rd-4th grade - during recess - sitting watchingthe kids play baseball and football and hoping the entire time they would just ask me to play with them - cause i wanted to so bad- but was way to scared to ask. I thought I was scared of being told "no" and having myfeelings hurt. I see now I was more scared of being embarrased by having an emotional outburst. I remember throwing a tantrum in kindergarden because I brought my ninja costume the day before halloween and wasnt allowed to wear it.

I just went and had a smoke and so much more came to me. How much Ive lied to myself. Why I struggle to be "normal". I tried to kill myself in highschool. I could only find aspirin, but i figgured a shitload of would still be able to do the trick. I ate about 60. Nothing happened. I rmeember wanting to get high so bad I mixed bleach and the work toilet bowl cleaner and huffed it. My lungs started burning and felt like they were collapsing. I was walking around outside gasping for air. I became so sure I was going to die I called 911- emergency on myself. As soon as they pulled up i felt better. Of course right?

There so much. So much Im utterly ashamed of. I hate myself more than I can express. I didn't wish to die and go to heaven. I wished I never existed at all. To fade into the black silence of nothing would be the greatest relief. No memory of family, friends, life.

I feel sick inside and my face is hot. How am I ever to fix this? How am I ever to enjoy life? Enjoy doing things? Enjoy me?

I fear desteni will ask me to leave if I said more. If i said the sexual acts Ive commited. The threat I made on a girl who broke up with me. The thoughts I had. I hit a girl in 6th grade for making fun of me. Gave her bruises. I hit my mother in highschool. Everyone is always scared of me. If they claim their not they push me until I make them scared of me. Im scared of me. I cant have friends. I cant have girl friends. I cant have a job or a life of any sort. Cause Im this ticking timebomb. Theres my self judgement and self pity.

Lieing Lieing Lieing. Countless fucking lies. This endless fight with "myself". Constantly fighting the "monster". All those I know at desteni will no longer see me the same way. I fear I will lose any sense "kinship" i have with all of you. Im exhausted - maybe ill write more later.

Manifest a Better Life?

I pose this question to myself - have you?

A "Better" Life.

What is that?

Incalcuable wealth? Superior health? Fantastic sex everyday? Adoration from the young and old? Peace on Earth? No more Murder, Rape, Child Abuse and Molestation, No more Pollution, Extinction, Ritual Slaughter of Bovine, Swine, and Poultry? No more Assholes cutting you off mid sentence? No more being victim to your mothers judgments? No more being ignored because of you fathers arrogance?...

On and On and On...

What is Better... Is not the Question

What is Life?

Am I even alive?

What is the expression of life?

Am I expressing it?

What am I expressing?

Breathe and look at myself.



What if Im poor? What if Im alone? What if Im ill? What if my physical existence is not acknowledged by every single atom in the Universe?

Pray in fear. Hope in Fear. Speak in Fear. Walk in Fear.

Planet F-earth.

Fear nothing then see what Life is.


Ill bet its "Better" than fear.