intro continued...

Left off around 6-th-7th grade. I had transfered from catholic school to public middle of 5th grade. I spent these few years learning the importance of being "cool" the hard way. At one point going so far as to pay the kids who i thought were "cool" to hang out with me. They were some of the biggest assholes I ever met. Say what you will about the catholic religion - the school I had previously attended wasnt the type ran by nuns with rulers. Only difference from public school in this case being smaller overall class size and wear uniforms. There was far less competition among us for "alpha-ness". It was as any group of kids but just muted so to speak. One didnt necccesarily get along with everyone, but no one hated one another. One memory that come s to mind was of this girl named Vanessa. She was the proverbial "bitch" to me. Just sorta mean for no good reason. But one day - it was "hot-lunch day" where we had each previously paid for a hot lunch to be delivered to our class on a specific day. I had payed for one, and didnt bring a sack lunch accordingly. Somehow my name had been left off the list, and even though there was one hot lunch left in the bin unaccounted for - one of the older students who brought them refused to give it to me. Vanessa had gotten a hot lunch but also brought one from home. She gave me her sack lunch. There was a higher level of decency as people among us.

Except me lol... Its funny how many times I look back over periods of my life where I thought I wasnt as bad as am today or any other given stretch and I see I wasnt any better. I got in trouble plenty of times. I pushed somebody out of the bathroom with the pants down as a joke. I got mad at a girl for not wanting to play with me so I chased and ensnared her with a hula-hoop. I never did my homework. I always hated homework. If Im spending 8 full hours in some place why dont we do this work there and not bring it home. The last fucking thing I want to do while at "home" is "School" work. As you go up in grade and homework becomes more of your grade my grades declined until I was getting F's. By my sophomore year of highschool I had 2 credits to the typical students 16.

It was about this time when I began attending an alternative school after being threatened with expulsion for walking around school with a razor blade in my mouth. I did it mostly because when I tried it out I was suprised how easily it could be done without cutting yourself. I could hide it in my cheeks and still clearly talk to people. Any ways at this new school we only had to attend 4 hours each day. We were given a number of assignments to complete by the end of each week and we were allowed to work at our own pace. I began there as a junior with less credits than a freshman after one quarter and graduated a full semester early. I didnt make a single friend there. I just came and did my work. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed not giving a fuck about any of them. I hardly talked to anyone. The work as stupidly easy. But so is the shit in highschool - they just force you to do 100 times as much of it. As part of my early graduation agreemnt , I was to spend that semester attending college. I looked forward to it. After all It was beaten into my head how much better college was then highschool. I went for about a month or 2 before I dropped every class. Just like highschool - something about seeing all these "cool" kids I can't be friends with and pretty girls I cant date fucked with me. I felt completely alone in 4th/5th grade after I realised what my mother had been doing to me since the divorce 5 years previous...

to be cont...