My own Bullshit

Was beating up on myself yesterday out of habit. 2 seperate girls were being very open and friendly with me when I was running an errand at the hardware store. I pretty much blew off the first girl and was a total lame to the second. I suppressed my judgements until I went to bed that night. Started Thinking about how much of a loser I am. About how I have no "personality". About how awkward and uncomfortable I am "in my own skin". About how broke, ugly, and generally uncool I am all around. " I couldn't even pick up a chick if I wanted to". Makes me feel like bullshit for subscribing to the desteni material. Would I buy into this if I had these "things"? If I didnt hate myself and physically express this? Still want power, Power over my Self. More not facing Self. Self seems so far away, like it doesnt even exist. I thought about how I am this way from years of being shit on or ignored by women - if they act any other way I dunno how to act. Im just a programmed robot. Programmed to be all this things I fucking hate, angry at the world for providing the coding, but its me who Allows it! I see so fucking clearly how it works... I want to cry. How do I prove self to self? Should I hack the software? Btu do I just want to implement a new program? I do. I just want to be all these things my mind "likes".