Intro

My earliest memory is from when I was 4 - I kicked my 3 year old cusin down a flight of stairs in front of my whole family. I didnt think he would get hurt. I didnt realise anyone could be hurt. My father made me hurt. Later that year in preschool I bloodied a smaller kids nose and lip. I recall "thinking" we were just playing. My father made me hurt. My mother looked at me as if I was a monster. She still sees me as a monster. I still see myself as a monster. I was programed to be one. After these events I inverted my expressions toward myself. I didnt want to hurt people. I began fearing myself.

I remember the last time i saw my parents together before they started fighting. I was playing super mario 2 with my friends from the neighborhood. They were sitting on the couch watching tv together in the living room. When they began fighting everyday -Id wrap my toys up in wrapping paper and give these presents to them in the middle of the fights. Id thought it make them happy, like it did when I got them. Up until then I slept in the bed with them most nights. I liked snuggling. When I began forcing myself to sleep in my bed, I began having trouble falling asleep. Ive had trouble sleeping ever since.

I judge myself hashly about this- this desire not "to be a big boy". I didn't want to use the toilet at first - fought with my parents about this for awhile. I went through a phase of enjoying to shit in the bathtub. I refused to have training wheels on my bike, but then I was to scared of falling to learn how to ride without them. I didnt learn how to ride until 5th grade when i forced myself to. Everybody did, I was embarrassed I didnt know how. I didnt learn how to tie my shoes until 1st-2nd grade. I remember a girl trying to teach me in preschool. The "bunny ears method". I also remember the other bunny story "over the bridge , under the bridge, around the bush , and i nthe hole". I never understood. One day my uncle joe - who a preatty serious dude - got fed up with me not knowing how and just showed me with no story and I got it.

Am I stupid? Do I have a learning disability? Am I mentally ill? Whats wrong with me? Somethings wrong with me. My great grandfather killed himself. Shot himself. I dont know much about him , other than he played guitar, would preform black-face comedy-minstrel shows with his brother at fairs. He worked for the Texaco plant in lawernceville - Il. He was a Mason and had a masonic funeral ceremony. We're both the only ones in the family who like chocolate pie.

I fairly enjoyed school up until 6th grade. "Social Value" became part of the dynamics of interaction amongst students. I valued evryone equally. My best friend who I made the year before became the focus of the classes bullying. They picked on him relelntlessly. I stood up for him as best I could. People gave me some level of "respect" because i was bigger than everyone else, but then I became a partial outcast as well. I wasnt particularly social anyhow. I was fat and out of shape- and didnt like to ask "if i could play". I remember from years before then, starting somehwer ein 3rd-4th grade - during recess - sitting watchingthe kids play baseball and football and hoping the entire time they would just ask me to play with them - cause i wanted to so bad- but was way to scared to ask. I thought I was scared of being told "no" and having myfeelings hurt. I see now I was more scared of being embarrased by having an emotional outburst. I remember throwing a tantrum in kindergarden because I brought my ninja costume the day before halloween and wasnt allowed to wear it.

I just went and had a smoke and so much more came to me. How much Ive lied to myself. Why I struggle to be "normal". I tried to kill myself in highschool. I could only find aspirin, but i figgured a shitload of would still be able to do the trick. I ate about 60. Nothing happened. I rmeember wanting to get high so bad I mixed bleach and the work toilet bowl cleaner and huffed it. My lungs started burning and felt like they were collapsing. I was walking around outside gasping for air. I became so sure I was going to die I called 911- emergency on myself. As soon as they pulled up i felt better. Of course right?

There so much. So much Im utterly ashamed of. I hate myself more than I can express. I didn't wish to die and go to heaven. I wished I never existed at all. To fade into the black silence of nothing would be the greatest relief. No memory of family, friends, life.

I feel sick inside and my face is hot. How am I ever to fix this? How am I ever to enjoy life? Enjoy doing things? Enjoy me?

I fear desteni will ask me to leave if I said more. If i said the sexual acts Ive commited. The threat I made on a girl who broke up with me. The thoughts I had. I hit a girl in 6th grade for making fun of me. Gave her bruises. I hit my mother in highschool. Everyone is always scared of me. If they claim their not they push me until I make them scared of me. Im scared of me. I cant have friends. I cant have girl friends. I cant have a job or a life of any sort. Cause Im this ticking timebomb. Theres my self judgement and self pity.

Lieing Lieing Lieing. Countless fucking lies. This endless fight with "myself". Constantly fighting the "monster". All those I know at desteni will no longer see me the same way. I fear I will lose any sense "kinship" i have with all of you. Im exhausted - maybe ill write more later.